Everyone is talking about the importance of GLB’s & T’s having the right to get married and I couldn’t agree more - we all deserve the right to be equal. I don’t agree with all of the positive light shining down on marriage itself in this case, however. Just because we all deserve the same rights doesn’t mean we have to rush into exercising them. (You also have the right to smack your head into a brick wall. I don’t see many of us doing that and it is the less painful option when compared to tying the knot.) Hopefully these reasons for avoiding marriage will work like that brick wall and knock some sense into you
Nobody really wants to go to your wedding - Travel, hotels and a damn gift get expensive. - especially since your marriage stands less of a chance of making it than another season of a Charlie Scheen sitcom. That doesn’t include the huge time suck and energy it takes to sit through another father/daughter dance. We’d rather be watching Hot Show Part Deaux.
Your crazy mom gets too much power - People have been dealing with your mom’s insanity for years and have barely made it out alive. Now that her ‘little Angel’ is getting married, she plans to give you the wedding she never had and ruin anybody that gets in her way. Picture what oversized Ursula could do if King Triton didn’t stop her.
Your wedding is ruining the economy - Our financial ecosystem is thrown out of whack by over-inflated prices charged by churches, wedding planners and caterers. At least one economists will have a nightmare over how much you spent on that cake. And does St. Married’s Cathedral really need another stained glass window?
You’re wasting your time - The amount of time you waste picking a font for your invitations could have been spent making money, writing a poem or saving kittens. KITTENS! Spending a whole weekend finding cake-toppers doesn’t change the fact nobody wants to go to your wedding ( see #1).
That side of the family can’t be avoided - Do you really want crackhead cousin Kevin flirting with your best college buds? Enough said.
The best day of your worst decision - Picture your wedding taking place at the side of the Grand Canyon. Its beautiful and majestic. Now jump. While you’re flying through the air, confused, afraid and wondering what you will look like in a casket, you realize the best part view was looking out from the ledge. That’s a lot like marriage itself. After you’re divorced (see Charlie Sheen sitcom) and a bit more dead inside, you’ll only remember how beautiful the wedding was. I suggest not even going to the ledge. Just enjoy the view from the car.
Andrew Thorp is the Artistic Director of Thorpedo Productions ad doesn’t get invited to many weddings.