We celebrate Labour Day to pay respect to workers and our rights. Lets get crunked, my fellow 9 to 5ers! Before we uncap that 40oz, there are still some things that suck about work and what better time to bring them up than now.

1. We want a proper lunch break. No more forcing down tasteless ” lean” cuisines at our desk while we squeeze out another spreadsheet. We need a break from work and indigestion.

2. Your 401k “plan” is a joke . I don’t know who you think you’re fooling calling giving our money to strangers and expecting them to not steal it ” benefits”. I would rather you put that money in a shoebox and bury it- chances are the shoebox will still be there when I’m old.

3. Where’s the Morale? We sit with shortened hip flexors, wrecking our bodies to make rich people more money. The least you can do is give us cake for monthly birthdays or bring us to a ball game once a year. We gave up our dreams to help you buy another boat. Don’t we deserve some love?

4. The fluorescent lights are slowly killing us. There may not be scientific evidence that proves the harsh cylindrical soul suckers are turning our brains to mush from the inside out, but we can feel it. This isnt the discount aisle at The Dollar Store, get a new lighting situation.

5. You call this a break room. The only thing we are breaking in that room is the maximum occupancy. You put us in here with a vending machine because the mop bucket had enough and fled.

6. Can a Gal Get Her Pump On? I’m not talking shoes. New moms need to prepare food for their growing babies in a private, clean place. It’s bad enough Moms only get a couple months maternity leave, throwing them in a public restroom to bottle baby food ain’t cutting it.

X-FACTOR FITNESS: The Angry Boxer: A good reason to wear a cup

Stevens Family Group Mind: Learn to improvise and then See us live Fridays at Midnight at ComedySportz Chicago starting in September.

X-FACTOR FITNESS: Bulk-U-Lax Extreme

I Don’t and You Should Too! (6 Reasons to not get married)

Everyone is talking about the importance of GLB’s & T’s having the right to get married and I couldn’t agree more - we all deserve the right to be equal. I don’t agree with all of the positive light shining down on marriage itself in this case, however. Just because we all deserve the same rights doesn’t mean we have to rush into exercising them. (You also have the right to smack your head into a brick wall. I don’t see many of us doing that and it is the less painful option when compared to tying the knot.) Hopefully these reasons for avoiding marriage will work like that brick wall and knock some sense into you

 

Nobody really wants to go to your wedding -  Travel, hotels and a damn gift get expensive. - especially since your marriage stands less of a chance of making it than another season of a Charlie Scheen sitcom. That doesn’t include the huge time suck and energy it takes to sit through another father/daughter dance. We’d rather be watching Hot Show Part Deaux.

 

Your crazy mom gets too much power -  People have been dealing with your mom’s insanity for years and have barely made it out alive. Now that her ‘little Angel’ is getting married, she plans to give you the wedding she never had and ruin anybody that gets in her way. Picture what oversized Ursula could do if King Triton didn’t stop her.   

 

Your wedding is ruining the economy -   Our financial ecosystem is thrown out of whack by over-inflated prices charged by churches, wedding planners and caterers. At least one economists will have a nightmare over how much you spent on that cake.  And does St. Married’s Cathedral really need another stained glass window?

 

You’re wasting your time -  The amount of time you waste picking a font for your invitations could have been spent making money, writing a poem or saving kittens. KITTENS! Spending a whole weekend finding cake-toppers doesn’t change the fact nobody wants to go to your wedding ( see #1).

 

That side of the family can’t be avoided -  Do you really want crackhead cousin Kevin flirting with your best college buds? Enough said.

 

The best day of your worst decision -  Picture your wedding taking place at the side of the Grand Canyon. Its beautiful and majestic. Now jump. While you’re flying through the air, confused, afraid and wondering what you will look like in a casket, you realize the best part view was looking out from the ledge. That’s a lot like marriage itself. After you’re divorced (see Charlie Sheen sitcom) and a bit more dead inside, you’ll only remember how beautiful the wedding was. I suggest not even going to the ledge. Just enjoy the view from the car.


Andrew Thorp is the  Artistic Director of Thorpedo Productions ad doesn’t get invited to many weddings.

A silly article I wrote for employee Appreciation Day - sticking it to  the man! Don’t let your boss see you reading this….

Cinamadness - (Satirical Sketch - Aug. 2013)
Cinamadness
Andrew Thorp
8.24.13 (version 1)
Lights up on Chuck and Sejan sitting on opposite sides of a table.
CHUCK:
And welcome back to Cina-Madness, where we discuss Hollywood today. I’m Chuck White with special guest, Sejan Patjab, all the way from our sister company, Movie Madness Europe. Sejan, Ben Affleck was just announced as the next Batman in the ‘Man of Steel’ sequel. Now, you know how much this enrages me being a huge fan of the Batman story and character. That Warner Brothers think they can hit us over the head with such a poor casting move makes me want to sneak into each executive’s house while they are sleeping and eat their young fat babies. Your thoughts?
Sejan:
I can’t agree more, Chuck. It’s as if the guys over at Warner are trying to pull a Syria on us by spreading poisonous gas on innocent people while other countries look the other way. What do we have to do as a nation, to stand up against these evil cowards that take the easy route every time?
Sean enters
SEAN:
And cut. Great job Chuck. Sejan, you got to lose the Syrian stuff. None of our viewers are going to know what you are talking about.
SEJAN:
Everyone knows what I’m talking about. It’s Syria.
CHUCK:
I had no idea things were so intense in South America. Do I have any fly-aways?
(Chuck checks hair in hand mirror)
SEAN:
See what I’m saying?
SEJAN:
I stand corrected.
SEAN:
OK, We will pick up on Sejan’s first line. Check, give him a lead in. Quiet on set. Action.
CHUCK:
And eat their young fat babies. Your thoughts?
SEJAN:
You hit the nail on the head Chuck. American audiences want to see a darker, more tortured Batman, not some one-note actor like Affleck.
CHUCK:
I couldn’t agree more. Switching topics, Breaking Bad cast member Anna Gunn wrote an article in The New York Times expressing her opinions on some of the hate mail and social media attacks on her character Skylar from the popular TV drama. If she already wasn’t one of the most hated actresses presently on screen because of her cold-hearted character, her article will definitely strike a nerve and make people despise her even more. American audiences don’t want to hear actors’ opinions from the atop a soapbox, we want good cinema and that’s it.
SEJAN:
These pivotal and flawed female characters really do rile up viewers time and again. Maybe it’s because we expect female characters to be patient, family focused and ready to stand behind their male counterparts no matter what. Benazir Bhutto was criticized for possessing these characteristics and she was trying to bring Democracy to a people that were destroyed by military rule in many ways. For Skylar to want to-
SEAN:
Cut! Sejan, we’re taking it back. Bhutto? This isn’t CNN, buddy.
SEJAN:
I’m sure Americans are well aware of Benazir Bhutto, Sean. She was in a lot of US interviews and-
CHUCK:
- She was the one with the big rack right?
SEJAN:
I’m not sure.
CHUCK:
See, Europeans don’t know everything, Sean. Faulty depth perception to boot.
SEJAN:
I’ll dumb it down.
SEAN:
Thanks. Quiet on set, Cameras rolling. Taking it back to Sejan’s reaction. And Action.
SEJAN:
These pivotal and flawed female characters really do rile up viewers time and again. Like Sonia Gandhi -
SEAN:
- Nope
SEJAN:
- Like Hilary Clinton-
CHUCK:
- She still alive?
SEJAN:
- Like the big-busted Real Housewife of Miami-
Chuck:
-Adrianna. Now, we are talking -
SEJAN:
Like, Adrianna, she just might be a bit misunderstood in a world of idiots.
CHUCK:
Amen, Brutha!
(Lights)
Julia Bergen at the Comedy Fundraiser.

Julia Bergen at the Comedy Fundraiser.

The Most Important's Last Week - This Saturday at 7:30pm in Donny's Skybox. Join us for our final show June 22nd at 7:30pm at The Second City’s Donny’s Skybox.